Hungry?

Give us this day our daily bread....

What does that look like? Last night I felt empty. I reminded the Lord, "Remember this morning? I asked you for daily bread? Are You here?"

I suppose I was spinning out. But then I felt Him say, "Do you remember?"

I remembered that earlier that day I felt His smile as I danced with my children to the tune of their praise. Alex loudly singing, "PRAISE JESUS!" and Lydia's soft high pitched voice singing out, "Oh You love us!"

I remembered being in awe of Him as I dug my hands deep into the ground, being amazed at how little tiny seeds can grow so big.

I remembered flying a kite with my kiddos at the park and noticing that it was the knot in the tail keeping it from flying high. And the lesson He taught me about how a small thing in my heart, kept hidden away from Him, can keep me from soaring to my true potential.

Remember breathing Me in?

I remembered taking a deep breath and breathing out patience towards my 3 year old after another accident.

I felt His grasp and I no longer felt empty. I felt full of Him.

It's natural to feel empty sometimes. It's good to hunger. It's the hunger that draws us close to Him. Blessed am I to hunger and thrist, for only He can satisfy. Hunger is an escort into the deeper things of Him. And I've gotta go deeper.

Spinning Out of Control?

A while back I had this dream that I was dancing. I kept spinning away from my partner but he kept pulling me in. It felt almost like a tug-of-war. In and out. Back and forth. Our hands never let go but I kept spinning and spinning. He never lost his grip on my hand. Round and round the dance floor we went. Spinning in and out. Over and over.

I woke up wondering what all that was about. The feeling stayed with me a few days. I prayed for a revelation but really didn't get anything until, during a worship service, I remembered the dream. I felt like my partner was definitely the Father, and His grip stuck out to me the most. He never let me go. I was just confused by all the spinning about. I did think it was interesting that I didn't notice His grip so much until I was the furthest away. Our arms were stretched out but His hand was locked with mine. I knew He had me.

I thought how true this is in life sometimes. We don't notice Him so much until we need Him desperately to hold onto us. When I feel the furthest from Him and I feel stretched and out of reach I just have to remember that it's in these moments He takes the opportunity to show me just how tight His grip on me is. He's not letting go. He pulls me back into His loving embrace. As comforting as it is though, I forget about that firm grasp He has on me until, once again I spin away.

I experienced an out-of-control spinning moment last night. I was searching through the scripture. Frantically trying to find some comfort, I stumbled across this Psalm. It's interesting too because I rarely read The Message translation but happened to last night.

Psalm 119:75-76 MSG
I can see now, God , that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right. Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight! just the way you promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to. 


Pretty incredible, eh? I love that David demanded God's attention sometimes. I think God loves that. He loves it when we boldly ask for more of His love and right now! I can totally see how those times I've spun away from Him I often learned He was right all along. But like David, I want to cry out for His comfort and love in that very moment. The moment I realize I screwed up or have lost interest in Him or wandered away I want Him to pull me back in. Hold me tight! I want to truly live and dance to His revelation tune.

The Help

Psalm 27:8-9
When you said, "Seek my face." My heart said, "Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide your face from me.
Do not turn your servant away in anger;
You have been my help.


I've always read this like David saying to the Lord, "Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your servant away in anger." I could see how at different times in David's life He felt like the Lord was angry with him or he felt like the Lord had turned away from him. But last night I read this with new perspective.

Who is THE Servant?

Who is our Help?

The Lord said, "Seek my face." I think He could also have meant, "Seek my face, do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your Servant away in anger. I am your help."

I thought about how in the past I've turned away in anger from God. I thought of a few people I know who are currently having that struggle. We've judged Him wrongly when we do that. We turn away from Him in anger because we have accused Him of wrong or we feel He has hurt us in some way. But the truth is. He is our help.

Jesus came to help us. He came to give to us. Matthew 20:28 says, "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." David didn't know Christ as his servant. In his time people could only be God's servants but now the Son of Man no longer wants servants. He came to serve so we could be His brothers and sisters.

And yet...

We so often turn our face away. We hide ourself or a piece of ourself from Him because we are angry. But He gave His life for you. Does that sound like someone who wants to hurt you? Let's turn our faces back towards Him. That's what this life is. In faith, all we can do is daily turn towards Him. Yield.

Maybe what you're feeling today is very real anger, very real disappointment. To let that go it all starts by choosing to turn your face towards Him. Just today. He never hides from us. He never turns away from us in anger. He's always there, hoping to see us turn our faces towards Him. It's because He wants to help us. I know this to be true.

A Trail of Bread Crumbs

I've been trying to think of an inspirational blog post for a while now and nothing has really come to me. It's been kind of nice though because usually when I get an idea for this blog it is accompanied by a lesson I personally have to learn and that's not always so fun.

But I couldn't leave my faithful readers hanging....I do have a few faithful readers out there right?? Well anyway I thought I would tell a fun story about how God showed up in my life in a really cool way a while back. 

Lately I've been making an effort to go back and remember some of the good things Father's done for me. We all know the importance of that right?

It all started with a recipe. A few years a go my husband and I were involved in a really fun marriage group. We all thought it would be fun to have a meal together and each bring something. The host of our group planned the meal and sent us all a recipe. One couple got an entree, one got a dessert, ect. We got an appetizer. The idea was you bring the ingredients and prepare the meal together. Everything was so fancy and several things on my ingredient list I had never even heard of.

Now I consider myself a fairly decent cook. And I know what the average bread crumb is but when I saw that Panko Bread Crumbs were on my list I was like "huh?" I didn't worry too much though because I assumed that if I went to the section of the store where normal bread crumbs were I'd find the fancy ones around there somewhere. I assumed wrong.

Let me back up a bit. I was fairly insecure and felt extremely intimidated by most people in this group. I was about 10 years younger then everyone and although we were all in the same stage of life, married about the same length of time with young children I felt behind and inadequate some how. Not to mention I didn't know what panko bread crumbs were.

I searched high and low for what became known as "those stupid freakin' bread crumbs." I literally went to every grocery store you can think of and a few of them I went to multiple locations. I also discovered that I was not alone in my ignorance because many of the store employees were clueless as well.

Finally, the day of our dinner I tried, without much hope, one last Target Super Center. At the time it hadn't actually occurred to me to pray about it. My new found love relationship with the Lord was still pretty immature and I was unsure if He actually cared whether or not I found my missing ingredient. After all He's got bigger fish to fry right?

With each passing minute I became increasingly more and more anxious about having to go to that party without all of my ingredients and was embarrassed that I'd have to admit that I didn't actually know what it was and so couldn't find it.

As I was frantically searching all the ails of Target, I finally gave up. I grabbed a box of regular bread crumbs coming to terms with the fact that I was just not sophisticated, that I'd always be that stupid little kid from the country.

I picked a check out lane and patiently waited my turn, all the while rehearsing in my head how I would talk my way through the inevitable awkward situation. My turn came and I started unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt. I barely noticed the misplaced box next to the gum.  There was a woman ahead of me paying for her items and the checker and another attendant helping bag groceries. Suddenly my brain registered the upside down words written on the out-of-place box.

PANKO BREAD CRUMBS

*double take* Wait. What?! I snatched it up and literally yelled in the surprisingly quiet check out line. "OH MY GOD!! Oh! My! God!!" With startled looks, everyone around turned to me like I was going insane. I asked the lady in front of me, "is this yours?!" She shook her head no. I asked the clerk, "Can I have these?" Ha! Like I was about to give them up. Would have had to pry them out of my cold dead hands. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and said that I could have them.

My heart was racing. I couldn't believe it. But I knew. I knew God had put them there just for me. How? Why? I didn't care. But I mean seriously? What are the odds of that happening? That I went into the exact row that someone had discarded the exact thing I had been looking for. I even asked the checker what part of the store they had been in and he couldn't tell me. He even did something in his fancy computer to try and figure out an inventory of how many there were and couldn't find any info on them at all. It was a miracle plain and simple.

Was there a rational explanation? If so I don't want to know because in that moment all of my insecurity drained away. Not because I could go to the party and act like I had it all together but because the source of my security had drastically changed in that instant. I knew that God loved me. That He cared about me. That love filled up so much space in my heart that insecurity had no room and had to go.

Let me say it this way. The God of the universe. Creator, Magnificent orchestrated in my puny little existence a miracle concerning my dinner plans. That's how much He cares about me. It had nothing to do with anything or anyone else. It didn't matter about my appetizer any more. It was important to me and so it was important to Him.

Wow even sharing it again humbles me and fills my heart to overflowing. And how ironic that bread crumbs in many ways represent a way to remember. I can literally find my way back to His love when I've forgotten all because of a few bread crumbs.

I hope you are encouraged also and inspired to go back and remember something amazing God has done for you. Or maybe you are in that frantic place and need a touch from heaven. He loves you. He. Loves. You. Look for Him in the little things and you'll find Him. If nothing else the fact that you are reading this blog is miracle enough for me so take to heart these words. God. Loves. You.

Dandelions aka Weeds

So some of you may have noticed that more and more time seems to pass between each blog post. There are a couple of reasons for that. First of all my laptop has still not recovered from it's blue screen crash and it's really difficult with out it. Secondly, I've been really busy. I can see the eyes rolling now. Typical, right? Well it certainly hasn't been because of a lack of ideas. I've been gardening. Can't get any more metaphorical then that!

Like everything else, Father has a way of making all things work for good and somehow, if we allow it, we can learn something, even from the worst experiences. On a light hearted note, I'd like to share a couple things I've learned today. From mowing the yard.

Yes, you heard, or rather read, correctly. I. Mowed.

I haven't actually mowed the yard since I was a teenager living at home. But lucky for me, my momma didn't raise no sissy and my dad taught me all I need to know about lawn mowers. But today I learned a few new things.

1. Lawn mowers have actually changed quite a bit in the last 10ish years since I've used one. The push mower I started using around the time I was 12 was not self-propelled. Unless you count the genius of the mower in getting someone like me to push it all by itself as being self-propelled. The mower I have now is self-propelled and has a bag so grass doesn't shoot out everywhere. This is kind of cool because even if you forget and mow in the wrong direction it doesn't matter because the bag catches the grass and so there is no wrong direction. This also means you don't have to rake and bag the grass!

2. Next time don't let the bag get completely full otherwise said bag will be too heavy for you to pick up and you'll end up dumping out half the bag. Which means you'll have to rake and bag the grass anyway completely defeating the purpose of said bag.....Yeah.

3. Don't fill the trash bag up too full with grass from your lawn mower bag otherwise it will be impossible to lift and so you will drag to the curb and it will undoubtedly tear. You will then have to rake and bag it...again.


4. I still have a lot of dandelions growing in my yard. How ironic is that?! And after each one got mowed over it was like a little life lesson. Just like you can't expect the weed to disappear just because you cut the top off, you can't expect the weeds of your soul to disappear by cleaning up the surface. You gotta go deep and sometimes it's hard work. But if you don't, eventually the whole neighborhood will start to notice.

5. Who needs a work out DVD when you can mow your yard? It's seriously hard work and burns a lot of calories. Which is why I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream, guilt free.

6. I have a mild grass allergy. Where did that come from?

And finally #7


He's always with me. 

As I was huffing and puffing, pushing my self-propelled mower, I started to feel kind of embarrassed and not just because I was huffing and puffing. We live on a somewhat busy street and have a sidewalk in front of our house. I couldn't help but wonder what other people must be thinking seeing me mowing my yard as they walked or drove by. In some ways I felt very empowered and strong. I couldn't believe that I was doing it. I was actually mowing my yard all by myself. Never have I done that in all of my adult life. But in many other ways I felt very alone and defeated. So I just told Him about it. By Him I mean my Father, God. And with every step I know He was with me. He heard me. He cared. I know there are many more worse things in this life then what I'm going through but He cares because I'm going through it. He's with me. His compassion is for me. His thoughts are for me. His love is overflowing. His perspective is greater. His vision is bigger. His desire is for me. I'm lost in Him and I'm not alone. I can't explain exactly how I know this other then that I just know. You can know too. And if you don't but you'd like to, just tell Him. Ask Him. And listen. If it was more complicated then that I think there would be better instructions in the Bible...but there's not. Ask and He'll answer. Seek and you'll find. He hears us. He knows us. He's always listening and always wants to answer. There are only about a gazillion places in the Bible that read exactly like that.

OK so I've mastered the art of mowing. What's next?

*scary movie music EEEE  EEEE EEEE* Weed Eating....

Lazarus, Come Forth

Have you ever read the account of Lazarus? I've heard it as a child in Sunday school and I've heard teachings on it. I've even skimmed through it as I read through the book of John but I've never intentionally sat down to read it until this morning.

Last Sunday I prayed with a woman who has a friend that is living in darkness, so to speak. As we prayed with her I thought of Lazarus. I could hear Christ's voice as He called out to him. I prayed that this woman's friend would also hear God's voice and come into the light.

This morning I was thinking and praying for all the people I know who are living in darkness and I prayed the same for them. Before I even read the account the Lord started to minister to my heart about some similarities between certain characters and myself. I started to think about how the whole reason behind Jesus allowing Lazarus to die was to bring glory to God and to give us a picture of what it means to move from darkness to light. Jesus even says in John 11:25-26 "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die." He wasn't talking about our physical bodies, (although I do believe miracles can happen in the way of the dead being brought back to life), He was talking about our spirits being brought back to life when we believe in Him. I also started to think about how you didn't see Mary or Martha trying to drag out the dead body of their brother and bring him back to life themselves. Just like we can't drag someone to the feet of Jesus and change their hearts ourselves. It was the voice of God that raised Lazarus.

After reading the account though in John 11, light started to shine in my own heart. I realized that Martha is the one that went out to Jesus. Bless the Martha's out there who have felt guilty all their lives for not being more like Mary. She wasn't disappointed in His timing. She ran out to meet Him. She knew that even as her brother lay dead that anything Jesus asked of God, God would do.

Then there was Mary, who as you may know if you've been reading this blog for a while, I have a tendency to be like.

She did not run out to meet Jesus.

I thought about that for a while. I thought about despite my love for Father and my faith in His ability I still doubt His timing and His goodness sometimes. Mary heard that Jesus was coming and she remained inside, heavy with disappointment. She didn't have a big enough vision for what He was capable of. With great sadness, almost accusing Jesus she reminds Him that if He would have come her brother would be alive. Can't you almost hear her tone through her sobbing?

"Where were You?! You could have saved Him!"

And do you know how beautiful our Savior is? He saw the sadness and the disappointment in Mary's heart. He heard her accusing tone but He did not reprimand  her. He did not call her out for her lack of faith. But it affected Him deeply, so deeply that He wept. I don't honestly think He was deeply moved because Lazarus died but because the people that had loved Him so and that He had deeply loved doubted His goodness. The viewed His actions and believed He was capable of hurting them or that He was selfish or inconsiderate or unloving. That deeply moved Him.

Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen and sometimes things don't happen that we think need to happen. I never really have a hard time seeing God as bigger then those things but I've often doubted His timing and His goodness. Like Mary I've felt disappointed when I didn't think He came through for me. But now I see that this moves Him to tears. It hurts Him in a way lack of faith never could.

Today I will be like Mary after Jesus called to her. When He calls to me I will get up quickly and I will go to Him. I will even be like Mary and pour my heart out to Him but today I will also choose to be like Martha and I will trust in His goodness and His unfailing love for me. And as for my loved ones living in darkness? I will trust in God's timing and the power of His voice to raise them from the dead and bring them out into the light. I will believe like Martha that He is the Christ, the Son of God.

Super Jesus

Lately I've really been asking God for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Inspired by the question, "Who are you closer to in the Trinity?" My answer was Father God. I just feel closer to Him. Although I know He's One and Three still I feel the most intimate with the Father.

The last year or so I have had some pretty cool "moments" or revelations about Jesus and my desire to know Him more is there but mostly when I think about Him it's not really love that I feel. I think of how grateful I am for what He's done for me. I see Him as my Lord and want to serve Him for the rest of my life. But that's about as deep as my relationship goes with Him. I talk of obedience coming out of my adoration but really it feels more like an obligation sometimes for what He's done for me. I probably would never have understood the difference between the two had Father not poured out His love for me and drawn me close to Him in such an intimate way. I want that with Jesus now too.

A few weeks ago we had a guest speaker at our life group, Keith Wheeler. I think it's safe to say he has a relationship with Jesus that is absolutely amazing and inspirational. I mean the guy literally lights up when he starts talking about Jesus. No wonder people are drawn to him to hear about Jesus.

I feel that way about Father God. I feel my love for Him well up inside of me until I feel like I'm about to burst.

Oh, Jesus, I want to know you like that.

Often I picture Him on the cross and my heart breaks, out of sadness and thankfulness. Is that enough though? Is it enough to just picture God on a throne of glory? To bow before Him? For me the answer is NO! Of course I bow before Him but I also run and jump on His lap and tell Him all about my day. He meets me in my every day life just to tell me He loves me. I want that with Jesus too. It's not enough just to see Him as that Sacrificial Lamb.

I'm trying to look outside the box a bit and see Him not just as my Lord or the the Head but as my Brother. As my Friend. As the guy that comes and puts His arm around me when I feel ashamed to go to Papa because of my sin. He tells me, "Hey, it's going to be ok. Let's go talk to Dad. He can fix anything."

I'm beginning to see Him as the One who never rejects me. He looks at me and He likes what He sees. I'm always invited to His table. He pursues me. He's the one that knocks on my door or calls me. He goes out of His way to be with me.

Early Saturday morning around 3 a.m. I woke up with these thoughts in mind. A somewhat strange analogy popped into my head. I hope you'll bare with me and read to the end. I thought of Superman and Lois. How even though Lois ignores Clark all day, when she calls for help, Superman still shows up. Because even though Superman could have any girl he wanted, Clark loves Lois. I thought of all the times I've called on the name of Jesus, the name that is above every name, for help but have ignored Jesus, my friend and brother. Yet He still shows up. Not only because He is God and powerful but because Jesus, the man, loves me. I think so often we see Him as Superman, which is a good thing, but we only call Him when we need something. I never doubt His ability or power but I don't care to know about Him as the man. After all He says weird things like, "eat my flesh and drink my blood, die to yourself and carry My cross." I think for me I'm afraid of having Jesus as my friend because I believe it will cost me. To me knowing Jesus has meant sacrifice. And I've pushed away from Him because of it. It was really convicting. It hurt a little bit, being able to get a glimpse of my true self. I didn't like what I saw. Watching the movie I always got annoyed with Lois for treating Clark that way. Wasn't it obvious the way he felt about her? Didn't she see what a great guy he was? But she was in love with the image of Superman, with what he could do for her. I realized that I'm her. I love being a Christian. I love being able to pray with someone and know I've got Jesus on my side. But when it's all said and done I'm only in love with Him for what He can do for me. Ouch.

So what now? Well I'm not really sure. One thing I have learned so far is that when the Lord reveals something in your heart, something not good, He wants to make it good. All we can do is surrender it to Him (surrender, aka - repent). We can't fix ourselves. So I'm thankful He's working on me and cares for me and wants me to be whole. Surrendered to Him, I ask only for His help. He always gives it.

Jesus, I want to know You, not for what you can give me or for what I can get out of our relationship. I just want to know You like I do the Father. I want to give and do for You. Please help me.